Wait… Chocolate Iced Cream!? Really?

Why didn’t anyone tell me?  Did you think I already knew?  How could I have missed this? I mean - it’s like two different worlds, comingling in one heartfelt bowl or box.

I knew about chocolate, I mean - who doesn’t? For my seventh birthday I had a big ol’ Crunch bar… Years later I would have some chocolate cake, chocolate flavored brownies, and hell, Dunkaroos are basically cookies and chocolate frosting. But let’s face facts, america - Iced Cream takes the Cake. (Yes indeed, that’s a fun sentence to say)

Then chocolate merged with the cold queen of the dairy scene, Iced Cream, do ya know what I mean? That was another fun sentence for you to wrap your mouths around while you say it.

And today was the first day I discovered the world of chocolate iced cream for my very own.  It was different than you’d expect - because I was just finishing a burrito, and somehow still hungry.  Then I decided to try chocolate ice cream. I know, right?

Now I don’t think things will ever be the same. What do you think?

Boston Celtics have Sex with The Lakers’ Mom

Good news, anyone! After a dismal and slightly “dry rough anal sex”ish first half of professional NBA basketball on Thursday, June 12th, in game 4 of the NBA Finals, the Celtics prevailed over the Kobe Bryant and the lauded “Los Angeles” Lakers in a very “lubed up full penetraish”esque second half! Want to see something obnoxious?

Now, I don’t want you to think that I’m a giant black man or anything… actually, fuck it - yeah, I want you to think that. But, I wasn’t a huge NBA fan for the past 10 years or so (the last Celtics team I watched on a consistant basis featured Sherman Douglas!) because the scoring just got so ridiculous - EVERY TEAM was scoring ALL THE TIME… Not any more… Not with THE BOSTON THREE PARTY hanging out.

Don’t get me wrong, it was all about Mr. House and Mr. Posey last night. It’s true. But it was Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett that had A FOURSOME WITH KOBE BRYANT’S MOM!!! They filled all her holes. And they forced Pau Gasol (he’s ugly) and Lamarr Odom (I don’t like his haircut) to watch! It was a sweet comeback. Yes, there was come all over EVERYONE’S back.

Do you prefer one team to the other? Do you live in LA and enjoy seeing the shame and disappointment in the eyes of actors? Do you live in Boston and listen to tons of drunk studs yelling?

The Happening - An M. Night Shyamalan Joint

First off: It’s Plants. Plants fight back. That’s what the happening is. It’s retarded.

Now that the big spoiler is out of the way… Here’s a little run down:

In this new feature film by writer-director M. Night Shyamalan, there’s something that “Happens” and it really fucks with people. It’s a devastating event that changes the way we all think about life. The people we focus on are Mark Wahlberg a teacher in high school (cast perfectly?), Ashlyn Sanchez is a dumb kid (in the movie) and Zooey Deschanel is cute but not hot arm-candy. Leguizamo is a teacher too. But there are some questions that even teachers can’t solve… Mysteries that shake us to the core..

I mean, seriously - what could cause such devastation as you’ve seen on THE HAPPENING’S poster? What could cause Mark “Donny” Wahlberg to gasp and stare so hard? Why would Zooey “Emily” Deschanel hang out with Wahlberg? And who the fuck is John Leguizamo?

Shyamalan finds the most original, innovative and inexplicably brilliant way to preach at us… He uses plants. Plants are sick and tired of the way humans have been treating them… so they release some Neurotoxin into the air and fight back.

More awesome screengrabs and ranting if you click “more”…

CAR RACES MAKE MY HEART RACE (an editorial piece)

Nothing’s faster than a truly fast car. No matter how you dice it, they can SPEED off and PEEL OUT way better than anything else. What would be better than watching a car drive? How about taking more than one car, and make them race the other cars? That’s the best. I won’t even mention Danica Patrick, because this is just an article, not a confessional! Here are my favorite things about car races AND my favorite kinds of car races:

Car races with cars that look cool. Those are my favorite kinds of car races. So cool to watch.

I like races with lots of cars in them. There are so many, like, “- and they’re headed into the turn!”

It’s super great when car races are BOAT RACES! It’s like, “SNEAK ATTACK!”

Textbook Racing: I Love Race Cars that are in textbooks, described in different languages.

I really wish I was older so I could have seen Old Timey Races.

That race isn’t a car race at all! Those are humans, baby! Still good.

In the end, there can be only one.

Other than those, there are like 482 things about car races that exist. Do you have any “car race” stories? Anything that gets your jock? Tell it like it is.

Randy Palmer Has A Dirty Little Secret

Have you heard? I’m not surprised! He’s been so quiet about it. Why is he such a secret-keeper?

Randy Palmer has been lying to all of us for years, and it’s time someone blew the whistle. You know what? That someone is REAL BAD FRIEND. We have the dirt on Randy Palmer, and we’re going to expose him as a complete piece.

Where do we begin, Randy Palmer? Where indeed… Oh fuck it, here’s a list of Randy’s Dirty Little Secrets that the public should know.

1. When Randy was in the 7th grade, he used to pray every night that his mom would have a miscarriage, ultimately keeping enough money unspent that he would get an ATARI 2600.
2. He chews Nicorette and offers it to people when they ask him for gum.
3. Uses Craigslist to find lonely people, and then emotionally attacks them, badgering them into submission and finally murdering them, hiding their bodies in remote locales.
4. He once fellated another man in the middle of the 1989 season.
5. He cheated on his BAR exam. Not cool.
6. He follows girls when they walk out of bars and knocks on their car windows after they get in and tells them to get out of the car for a sobriety exam. He just likes to tease.
7. Randy simplifies his fractions but doesn’t show his work - we’re not sure of it, but it’s so unclear that we are relatively certain he hands in someone elses answers when we collect the homework.
8. Supports Ron Paul.
9. Likes having a gun rubbing against his teeth.
10. Hand makes towels - hand towels, beach towels, cooking towels… he does it all.

Have you heard any of Randy Palmer’s dirty little secrets that we’ve forgotten? Comment.

From Sea to Shining Semen

Hey Guys,
Just got back to Los Angeles from a romp on the east coast (this is a lie) and I had some pretty hot and heavy intercourse while I was out there. It was the kind of sex that is, well, to be frank… condomless. I probably impregnated at least 4 different women while on the East Coast this trip. And with the rate of return, that should mean about 2.67 more chillun for me to not care for and not know where they are. That’s the way of the single parent, and the single dad.

“How’s this work”, you ask? And I know exactly what you’re asking. You want to know how I can have so many children and not support, love or care for any of them; right? Here’s How:

That’s right, homies, I’m a proud member and founding partner of the BCDC, the Bi-Coastal Daddy Club, is America’s first legal association that proliferates having tons of children on the opposite coast from which you live. I mean, think about it - if your girlfriend is in another area code, you’re allowed to cheat… So why shouldn’t you allowed to have some kids 3000 miles away?

Some come one, cum all - make some good looking progeny and then ignore the shit out of them. Alimony be damned. It’s the 90’s, forlks… lert’s harve sorme kirds.

Where are your kids, and how do you avoid them?

Science Clones Puppies, Bud Light Gets Them Hammered

With all the recent speculation and all the reports on cloning and genetically engineering animals to reproduce clone-like copies of the animals (and some day humans) the question of “who is going to get these clones drunk?” has been weighing heavily on my mind.

It’s a lot like highschool, right? Bear with me on this… In highschool there were a lot of faceless and boring humans, right? Just bricks in the wall - essentially clones… They were just SO superfluous to the scene… Until they got drunk. They all of a sudden became interesting in some fashion. One bland nerd would touch too much, one bookworm would get loud and break something, one plain girl would finally blow you, it was a testament to how awesome booze can be for boring individuals.

But who does this for animals, and even more importantly and germaine to this question… who does it for the boring animal clones? Scientist and Doctor DeShawn Wooster called me on the phone this morning and gave me some solid quotes that he said I can, “and should,” use in this article.

“It’s simple, Jim. Otters.” What? “Otters are the facilitators of the animal world. They will get the clones drunk.” I paused, inquiring as to whether or not there would be enough otters to sauce up all the clones. Dr. Wooster laughed (I think it was a laugh.) “Well, we can clone the otters, too! And the good news about that is, Bud Light has partnered with the Center for Genetics and Society to make sure that otters everywhere provide crisp golden refreshment to dogs, cats and other cloned animals everywhere.”

So there you have it, Bud Light getting animals drunk and making people happy.

Are you for it, or against it? Cloning I mean. What about animals drinking?

Better Alternatives to Seeing the Sex and the City Movie

• Weld a baking pan to my face, then make some fucking brownies on my fucking face
• Get a Carbon Emissions Test (while reading excerpts from the script for SEX & THE CITY with your super cute, but unavailable mechanic)
• Drink pee - mine or yours, either option is better than the movie
• Hang out with Matthew Broderick 23 years ago and warn him it wouldn’t always be this good
• Listen to a goth girl talk about her feelings
• Die of dysentery
• Get a root canal on my eye
• Genetically alter your DNA to ensure that Rip Torn is your dad
• Buy a Terabyte drive and back up my HD
• Go to a Raffi concert
• Eat shit. Literally.
• Find “the one” and just never let go!
• Read reviews of the Sex & The City movie
• Suck on a tailpipe
• Actually HAVE the baby!
• Mind your P’s & Q’s
• Insert a glass rod in my dick hole and break it off
• Read reviews of the Sex & The City movie

The Sound of Impending Divorce

Hi Folks,

I’d like to bridge a topic here. A topic that hits close to home for someone who comes from a broken, yet unbroken (and at the same time slightly retarded) household. It’s the phenomenon of middle aged (think mid 40’s, because let’s face it, mid 40’s is the new mid 30’s) men and their affinity for sailing on schooners.

Does anything smell more like a broken marriage than that? I don’t think so. If I had to visually describe the sound of what it would be like to be wallowing in loveless droning matrimony for years and years, I’d say it would be something like this:

What about you, do you like sailing?

Unobtrusive Obstacles Prove No Match For Unimpressive Girl

So, a lot of things have happened to me in the past month or so… A lot of weird and unoriginal things. Stuff that you get bored by just hearing about, never mind seeing. Needless to say, in order to cope with how boring / tedious / monotonous my life is, I started really caring about the banal minutia of every day life, so then - when something really average happens (like a girl hurdling unimpressively small hurdles as if she were a dog in a dog show) I just freak the fuck out.

Here’s an example of how I freak the fuck out when totally extra average things happen. Like, it would be one thing if this girl was doing this in the Olympics, and the hurdles were full sized, and she was doing it for charity… but let’s face facts… I overreacted.

Do you have anything that you care about, or even better, freak out about? Have you ever overreacted?