5 Signs you Shouldn’t Hire THAT Flash/Actionscript Designer

evil flash man

This day and age, its not hard to find someone who claims to know Adobe Flash. While Flash-only sites are being more often criticized for their tendency towards animation and “flash” over accessibility and usability, the Flash medium is still very relevant if used properly. Here are 5 signs you shouldn’t hire a particular flash designer:

  1. Creepy Portfolio – His portfolio is actually a shoe box filled with hair dolls made from pre-teen hairlocks and popped balloons.
  2. Dependence on Components – While Flash comes packaged with very useful components that greatly shorten the time it takes to build certain actionscript elements, be weary of any flash programmer who depends solely on these items. A few components in sites are okay, but make sure your flash designer has also built a significant amount of dynamic elements from scratch.
  3. Proposed Mutilations – Stay away from any programmer that threatens to brutalize your husband, cut his hands off and stick bundles of twigs in his eye sockets. Though this may appear to be a sign of thoroughness, it may be an indication that this programmer is criminally insane.
  4. Resistant to Deliver you the .FLA – If you are paying for a flash site, the .FLA (the document that holds all the work by which the .swf is published) belongs to YOU. Any designer who refuses to give you the .fla to work from after building your site is probably trying to strong arm you into paying for costly updates down the line.
  5. Flaming Head – Though having a head that is always on fire may be cool to look at, it may be a sign that this person is a demon from the underworld. Be sure to meet the person face to face, and if that face is engulfed in eternal flames, just say “no thank you.” The same goes for any designer whose eyes glow red.

LOLassassinz – Another failed LOLCATZ ripoff

SNIPED! ROFLZ

SRSLY! HE R KILLERED!

Another attempt to capitalize on the hilarity of found images by adding bright and funny lettering and internet jargon to them.

Too soon?

Rejected From The FAIL Blog

FAIL BLOG REJECTION #1

failbabies

Honestly, we love The FAIL Blog (just check Rick’s blogroll). However, we can’t seem to get it right. Our submissions keep getting rejected. Lucky for us, we can put them up here!

From the Makers of Second Life comes… REAL LIFE!

GOD DAMNIT – we were going to have a really witty and insightful joke, but looks like some gravy loving website beat us to it… http://getafirstlife.com/ – oh well… here’s our version anyway…
Real Life - THE GAME

From Linden Labs, the same folks who brought you the internet sensation”second life”, comes a virtual experience like no other… REAL LIFE! Check out all these great features for you and yours:

  • 3D graphics that will blow your mind (if you don’t expect them).
  • Feel the action – because you’re living it!
  • Watch your beauty fade as you grow increasingly discontent in your marriage!
  • Talk with people in real time… using your mouth.
  • Get up / Go to Work / Go Home – EVERY DAY – the fun never ends***!
  • Mask your shame and regret with money – and you will have both shame and regret. No question about that.
  • Now with optional “smell-o-rama” olfactory nerve.
  • Hugs you can FEEL!
  • Use your Real Life car for fast paced driving OR stop and go traffic.
  • Watch your human body deteriorate with age!
  • Struggle to maintain relationships with all the grace of a Thanksgiving turkey.

Get your copy today for the low low price of YOUR SOUL!

*** – The fun ends when you die.

Robin Williams Coming Apart Over Divorce

It was recently reported that actor/comedian Robin Williams and his wife of almost 19 years have filed for divorce. Now, new reports have surfaced that indicate Williams is coming apart at the seams. Williams has been seen masquerading as a transvestite housekeeper, making odd attempts to garner his children’s attention.

Robin Williams as tranny

This certainly won’t help his case for custody, as the comedian has racked up multiple violations of the temporary restraining order. He’s been flooding his ex-wife’s voice-mail with creepy falsetto messages asking if they need a housekeeper, as well as bursting into soccer games being played in the park (see below) by his children.

tranvestite robin Williams burst into soccer game

Circumstances have since hit a critical point and family has recently requested police intervention after Williams made his ethnic kids eat a REALLY fucked up meal consisting of imaginary colored shit.

robin makes a weird meal

It’s Like 11:30 at night, Um… Are you busy?

Come Over, Baby

Look, I know it’s kind of late and everything, and you have work tomorrow – don’t get me wrong, I know how hard you work… in fact I think maybe you’ve been working too hard. I’m a little drunk, you know. Maybe you need a massage or something… No? C’mon, all work and no play is no way to live! Tell you what, I have some dvds, some ice cream and a whole lot of couch space… So come over, come on – just hop in the car – take surface streets, there’s no traffic right now – and stop at a packy on the way, because I’m out of chambord for the Kir Royales I’m going to make you.

We will be completely platonic if you want to… and then we won’t. I’m going to treat you like the princess you are! At least until I fall asleep and then have to wake up and go to work, and you should probably leave before I do so I can lock the door… it’s a safety thing.

We only live once, right? So come on, why not just come over?

The Real Michael Jordan!

Shirts vs. Shells!

In order to please Adam, I’ve decided to usurp Fagan Delaware’s article with this picture of a turtle/tortoise slam-dunking (giving the defense a FACIAL, as Stuart Scott on Sportscenter would say).
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