From Sea to Shining Semen

Hey Guys,
Just got back to Los Angeles from a romp on the east coast (this is a lie) and I had some pretty hot and heavy intercourse while I was out there. It was the kind of sex that is, well, to be frank… condomless. I probably impregnated at least 4 different women while on the East Coast this trip. And with the rate of return, that should mean about 2.67 more chillun for me to not care for and not know where they are. That’s the way of the single parent, and the single dad.

“How’s this work”, you ask? And I know exactly what you’re asking. You want to know how I can have so many children and not support, love or care for any of them; right? Here’s How:

Where your kids at? Mine are 3000 miles away.

That’s right, homies, I’m a proud member and founding partner of the BCDC, the Bi-Coastal Daddy Club, is America’s first legal association that proliferates having tons of children on the opposite coast from which you live. I mean, think about it – if your girlfriend is in another area code, you’re allowed to cheat… So why shouldn’t you allowed to have some kids 3000 miles away?

Some come one, cum all – make some good looking progeny and then ignore the shit out of them. Alimony be damned. It’s the 90’s, forlks… lert’s harve sorme kirds.

Where are your kids, and how do you avoid them?


Science Clones Puppies, Bud Light Gets Them Hammered

With all the recent speculation and all the reports on cloning and genetically engineering animals to reproduce clone-like copies of the animals (and some day humans) the question of “who is going to get these clones drunk?” has been weighing heavily on my mind.

It’s a lot like highschool, right? Bear with me on this… In highschool there were a lot of faceless and boring humans, right? Just bricks in the wall – essentially clones… They were just SO superfluous to the scene… Until they got drunk. They all of a sudden became interesting in some fashion. One bland nerd would touch too much, one bookworm would get loud and break something, one plain girl would finally blow you, it was a testament to how awesome booze can be for boring individuals.

Drinking Bud Light makes Animal Clones Happy

But who does this for animals, and even more importantly and germaine to this question… who does it for the boring animal clones? Scientist and Doctor DeShawn Wooster called me on the phone this morning and gave me some solid quotes that he said I can, “and should,” use in this article.

“It’s simple, Jim. Otters.” What? “Otters are the facilitators of the animal world. They will get the clones drunk.” I paused, inquiring as to whether or not there would be enough otters to sauce up all the clones. Dr. Wooster laughed (I think it was a laugh.) “Well, we can clone the otters, too! And the good news about that is, Bud Light has partnered with the Center for Genetics and Society to make sure that otters everywhere provide crisp golden refreshment to dogs, cats and other cloned animals everywhere.”

So there you have it, Bud Light getting animals drunk and making people happy.

Are you for it, or against it? Cloning I mean. What about animals drinking?

The Sound of Impending Divorce

Hi Folks,

I’d like to bridge a topic here. A topic that hits close to home for someone who comes from a broken, yet unbroken (and at the same time slightly retarded) household. It’s the phenomenon of middle aged (think mid 40’s, because let’s face it, mid 40’s is the new mid 30’s) men and their affinity for sailing on schooners.

Does anything smell more like a broken marriage than that? I don’t think so. If I had to visually describe the sound of what it would be like to be wallowing in loveless droning matrimony for years and years, I’d say it would be something like this:

The lamentation of a hollow 46 year old man.

What about you, do you like sailing?

Unobtrusive Obstacles Prove No Match For Unimpressive Girl

So, a lot of things have happened to me in the past month or so… A lot of weird and unoriginal things. Stuff that you get bored by just hearing about, never mind seeing. Needless to say, in order to cope with how boring / tedious / monotonous my life is, I started really caring about the banal minutia of every day life, so then – when something really average happens (like a girl hurdling unimpressively small hurdles as if she were a dog in a dog show) I just freak the fuck out.

OMG A Girl Hurdling Dog Show Hurdles - who cares!?

Here’s an example of how I freak the fuck out when totally extra average things happen. Like, it would be one thing if this girl was doing this in the Olympics, and the hurdles were full sized, and she was doing it for charity… but let’s face facts… I overreacted.

Do you have anything that you care about, or even better, freak out about? Have you ever overreacted?

On the Way to Cannes… Planning on Proposing Marriage!

Hopefully no one sees Reese and I on our trip… I would hate to rub this in Ryan’s face… We had a heart to heart, Ryan and I – and we really broke it down. His new movie STOP LOSS didn’t do so well, and he’s really upset (oh shit, now you probably know which Ryan I’m talking about… oh well, so much for anonymity.) Needless to say, he’s handling the kids for Reese the next few days, and we’re off to Cannes. It should be super romantic and fun, and if all goes according to plan, I am going to propose marriage to my best friend’s ex-wife… sheesh!

Isn\'t Cannes the COOLEST film festival?

I’ll be twittering on my blackberry for most of the trip (probably even during the movies – Except for INDIANA JONES & THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL – that shit is going to rock!). Do you think it’s rude of me to ask Reese if I can have the window on the flight over there? I’ve never been to Europe before and I really want to see it from the air… Maybe I can trade a backrub for the window seat or something. What do you think?

Also: how am I supposed to tell Ryan that I’m planning on popping the question? PLZ HELP!