Wait… Chocolate Iced Cream!? Really?

i didn\'t know!

Why didn’t anyone tell me?  Did you think I already knew?  How could I have missed this? I mean – it’s like two different worlds, comingling in one heartfelt bowl or box.

Crunch style

I knew about chocolate, I mean – who doesn’t? For my seventh birthday I had a big ol’ Crunch bar… Years later I would have some chocolate cake, chocolate flavored brownies, and hell, Dunkaroos are basically cookies and chocolate frosting. But let’s face facts, america – Iced Cream takes the Cake. (Yes indeed, that’s a fun sentence to say)

And it\'s good, baby.

Then chocolate merged with the cold queen of the dairy scene, Iced Cream, do ya know what I mean? That was another fun sentence for you to wrap your mouths around while you say it.

ever have a bowl of ice cream?

And today was the first day I discovered the world of chocolate iced cream for my very own.  It was different than you’d expect – because I was just finishing a burrito, and somehow still hungry.  Then I decided to try chocolate ice cream. I know, right?

Now I don’t think things will ever be the same. What do you think?

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Boston Celtics have Sex with The Lakers’ Mom

Good news, anyone! After a dismal and slightly “dry rough anal sex”ish first half of professional NBA basketball on Thursday, June 12th, in game 4 of the NBA Finals, the Celtics prevailed over the Kobe Bryant and the lauded “Los Angeles” Lakers in a very “lubed up full penetraish”esque second half! Want to see something obnoxious?

KG, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen filled all of Kobe\'s mom\'s holes!

Now, I don’t want you to think that I’m a giant black man or anything… actually, fuck it – yeah, I want you to think that. But, I wasn’t a huge NBA fan for the past 10 years or so (the last Celtics team I watched on a consistant basis featured Sherman Douglas!) because the scoring just got so ridiculous – EVERY TEAM was scoring ALL THE TIME… Not any more… Not with THE BOSTON THREE PARTY hanging out.

Don’t get me wrong, it was all about Mr. House and Mr. Posey last night. It’s true. But it was Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett that had A FOURSOME WITH KOBE BRYANT’S MOM!!! They filled all her holes. And they forced Pau Gasol (he’s ugly) and Lamarr Odom (I don’t like his haircut) to watch! It was a sweet comeback. Yes, there was come all over EVERYONE’S back.

Do you prefer one team to the other? Do you live in LA and enjoy seeing the shame and disappointment in the eyes of actors? Do you live in Boston and listen to tons of drunk studs yelling?

The Happening – An M. Night Shyamalan Joint

First off: It’s Plants. Plants fight back. That’s what the happening is. It’s retarded.
a hibiscus

Now that the big spoiler is out of the way… Here’s a little run down:

In this new feature film by writer-director M. Night Shyamalan, there’s something that “Happens” and it really fucks with people. It’s a devastating event that changes the way we all think about life. The people we focus on are Mark Wahlberg a teacher in high school (cast perfectly?), Ashlyn Sanchez is a dumb kid (in the movie) and Zooey Deschanel is cute but not hot arm-candy. Leguizamo is a teacher too. But there are some questions that even teachers can’t solve… Mysteries that shake us to the core..

kids are jerks

I mean, seriously – what could cause such devastation as you’ve seen on THE HAPPENING’S poster? What could cause Mark “Donny” Wahlberg to gasp and stare so hard? Why would Zooey “Emily” Deschanel hang out with Wahlberg? And who the fuck is John Leguizamo?
There's something he sees that you don't, Leguizamo.

Shyamalan finds the most original, innovative and inexplicably brilliant way to preach at us… He uses plants. Plants are sick and tired of the way humans have been treating them… so they release some Neurotoxin into the air and fight back.

More awesome screengrabs and ranting if you click “more”… Continue reading

CAR RACES MAKE MY HEART RACE (an editorial piece)

Nothing’s faster than a truly fast car. No matter how you dice it, they can SPEED off and PEEL OUT way better than anything else. What would be better than watching a car drive? How about taking more than one car, and make them race the other cars? That’s the best. I won’t even mention Danica Patrick, because this is just an article, not a confessional! Here are my favorite things about car races AND my favorite kinds of car races:

I Like races where the cars look cool.

Car races with cars that look cool. Those are my favorite kinds of car races. So cool to watch.
I like races with lots of cars in them
I like races with lots of cars in them. There are so many, like, “- and they’re headed into the turn!”

I like car races that are boat races!

It’s super great when car races are BOAT RACES! It’s like, “SNEAK ATTACK!”

Cars that spruce up a textbook... by racing on a photo in it.

Textbook Racing: I Love Race Cars that are in textbooks, described in different languages.
I really wish I was older so I could have seen Old Timey Races.

I really wish I was older so I could have seen Old Timey Races.

That car race isn\'t cars at all! Those are humans, baby!

That race isn’t a car race at all! Those are humans, baby! Still good.

Cars race, and sometimes pull away.

In the end, there can be only one.

Other than those, there are like 482 things about car races that exist. Do you have any “car race” stories? Anything that gets your jock? Tell it like it is.

Randy Palmer Has A Dirty Little Secret

Call your friends, and see if they know.Have you heard? I’m not surprised! He’s been so quiet about it. Why is he such a secret-keeper?

Randy Palmer has been lying to all of us for years, and it’s time someone blew the whistle. You know what? That someone is REAL BAD FRIEND. We have the dirt on Randy Palmer, and we’re going to expose him as a complete piece.

Where do we begin, Randy Palmer? Where indeed… Oh fuck it, here’s a list of Randy’s Dirty Little Secrets that the public should know.

  1. When Randy was in the 7th grade, he used to pray every night that his mom would have a miscarriage, ultimately keeping enough money unspent that he would get an ATARI 2600.
  2. He chews Nicorette and offers it to people when they ask him for gum.
  3. Uses Craigslist to find lonely people, and then emotionally attacks them, badgering them into submission and finally murdering them, hiding their bodies in remote locales.
  4. He once fellated another man in the middle of the 1989 season.
  5. He cheated on his BAR exam. Not cool.
  6. He follows girls when they walk out of bars and knocks on their car windows after they get in and tells them to get out of the car for a sobriety exam. He just likes to tease.
  7. Randy simplifies his fractions but doesn’t show his work – we’re not sure of it, but it’s so unclear that we are relatively certain he hands in someone elses answers when we collect the homework.
  8. Supports Ron Paul.
  9. Likes having a gun rubbing against his teeth.
  10. Hand makes towels – hand towels, beach towels, cooking towels… he does it all.

Have you heard any of Randy Palmer’s dirty little secrets that we’ve forgotten? Comment.