Randy Palmer has been lying to all of us for years, and it’s time someone blew the whistle. You know what? That someone is REAL BAD FRIEND. We have the dirt on Randy Palmer, and we’re going to expose him as a complete piece.
Where do we begin, Randy Palmer? Where indeed… Oh fuck it, here’s a list of Randy’s Dirty Little Secrets that the public should know.
- When Randy was in the 7th grade, he used to pray every night that his mom would have a miscarriage, ultimately keeping enough money unspent that he would get an ATARI 2600.
- He chews Nicorette and offers it to people when they ask him for gum.
- Uses Craigslist to find lonely people, and then emotionally attacks them, badgering them into submission and finally murdering them, hiding their bodies in remote locales.
- He once fellated another man in the middle of the 1989 season.
- He cheated on his BAR exam. Not cool.
- He follows girls when they walk out of bars and knocks on their car windows after they get in and tells them to get out of the car for a sobriety exam. He just likes to tease.
- Randy simplifies his fractions but doesn’t show his work – we’re not sure of it, but it’s so unclear that we are relatively certain he hands in someone elses answers when we collect the homework.
- Supports Ron Paul.
- Likes having a gun rubbing against his teeth.
- Hand makes towels – hand towels, beach towels, cooking towels… he does it all.
Have you heard any of Randy Palmer’s dirty little secrets that we’ve forgotten? Comment.