Random House Announces New Character Drama

The economy may be down, but America’s publishing mavens Random House have just purchased the rights to the insider lauded and commercially viable dramatic manuscript of the year, “NO MORE JOKES – the final decline of Steve Martin” from author and philanthropist Matt Christopher.

nomorejokesThe book’s logline as quoted from Random House’s press release: In a sad turn of events, Steve Martin (who hasn’t aged in years) falls into the habit of aging very quickly. In the final week of his life, The laughs have run out, and Steve Martin isn’t going to make it out alive.

Prince Paula Abdul

Did you hear about the stalker who killed herself in front of Paula Abdul’s house?  WE DID.  Now, everyone can thank her because, upon reading that story, I realized two things:

1. That chick (the stalker) had nice tits.

2. Paula Abdul looks like Prince!

Maybe you can see it from this picture:

Paula Abdul looks like Prince

Paula Abdul looks like Prince

I know you can probably see it already.  But we live in an age of “modern” technology.  So, I give you… The artist currently known as PRINCE PAULA ADBUL, the ultimate artist.  It’s like Prince on more pills!

Prince Paula Abdul

Prince Paula Abdul

The Red Sox of Orange County

Red Sox Catcher Jason Varitek looks like a beefed-up Slade Smiley (from Real Housewives of Orange County).  It’s not opinion.  It’s SCIENCE.  I’ll prove it.  Here is Jason Varitek:

Jason Varitek

Example A: Jason Varitek

Here is Slade Smiley (BTW he’s kind of a fag):

Slade Smiley

Example B: Slade Smiley

These pictures aren’t the best examples.  They really have similar bone structures in the face.  The only difference is that Varitek’s face is much thicker.  I think that’s because Slade probably purges.  But, just to prove my case.  Imagine Jason Varitek purged too.  Would he look like THIS:

Slade Varitek

Slade Varitek

BY DECREE OF THE KING…

Kneel!

  • All salt must be low sodium.
  • Special Olympics will be nationally televised and heavily gambled upon.
  • All women shalt be hairless.
  • “Doggystyle” is from hence forth only to be referred to as “Style”
  • Kentucky shall now be pronounced Can’t-ucky.
  • Barnes and Noble is now knighted so it shall be called SIR Barnes of Nobility… No, scratch that… this decree is stupid.
  • Captain Kangaroo is posthumously promoted to Admiral Kangaroo.
  • Grass is the new sidewalk. We will also push towards a barefoot traffic initiative.
  • Postage is raised by 4 quid.
  • Science grants for everyone.
  • Thank you cards are henceforth deemed unnecessary, because you already said thank you when you got it.
  • The official mascot of the kingdom is to be the red rocket.
  • No harumphing in public.
  • All falcons must be tiny.
  • “How I Met Your Mother” is to be tivod by the entire kingdom.
  • If you have soft skin, you must come to the palace for our annual “Touch Ball” Please contact our events coordinator, Melanie.
  • All birds must be attached to strings for the purpose of holding.
  • All moon base efforts will be re-assigned to building a cloud fortress.
  • Man is the new onion… where no one is happy until he is cooked.
  • Ham steaks shall no longer be called steaks, because they aren’t fooling anyone.
  • 10am is happy hour.
  • Any designer who wishes to design a logo for the new cloud fortress must contact our events coordinator, Melanie.
  • Nernsday is the new friday. TGIN!
  • I’m going to wear my p.j’s when I go to a local pub. You will tell me they look cool and then promptly bug off unless you are a human babe or cartoon deer.

Morbidly Heavyweight Rematch

RBF NEWS FLASH! -Following his Wrestlemania knockout over Big Show, Floyd “Money” Mayweather has agreed to a rematch with the 400 plus pounder. Due to contractual obligations, the rematch will be at the Morbid Heavyweight Division. To many in the fake sports world’s surprise, the pound for pound champion has agreed. Now476 McGriddles, 129 Whoppers, 280 Cinnabons, and 89 Shamrock Shakes later, Mayweather has already ballooned to 780lbs, making him a 4:1 favorite in Vegas, despite multiple heart and kidney failures. Blah Blah Blah just look at the funny picture:

mayweather balloons

5 Signs you Shouldn’t Hire THAT Flash/Actionscript Designer

evil flash man

This day and age, its not hard to find someone who claims to know Adobe Flash. While Flash-only sites are being more often criticized for their tendency towards animation and “flash” over accessibility and usability, the Flash medium is still very relevant if used properly. Here are 5 signs you shouldn’t hire a particular flash designer:

  1. Creepy Portfolio – His portfolio is actually a shoe box filled with hair dolls made from pre-teen hairlocks and popped balloons.
  2. Dependence on Components – While Flash comes packaged with very useful components that greatly shorten the time it takes to build certain actionscript elements, be weary of any flash programmer who depends solely on these items. A few components in sites are okay, but make sure your flash designer has also built a significant amount of dynamic elements from scratch.
  3. Proposed Mutilations – Stay away from any programmer that threatens to brutalize your husband, cut his hands off and stick bundles of twigs in his eye sockets. Though this may appear to be a sign of thoroughness, it may be an indication that this programmer is criminally insane.
  4. Resistant to Deliver you the .FLA – If you are paying for a flash site, the .FLA (the document that holds all the work by which the .swf is published) belongs to YOU. Any designer who refuses to give you the .fla to work from after building your site is probably trying to strong arm you into paying for costly updates down the line.
  5. Flaming Head – Though having a head that is always on fire may be cool to look at, it may be a sign that this person is a demon from the underworld. Be sure to meet the person face to face, and if that face is engulfed in eternal flames, just say “no thank you.” The same goes for any designer whose eyes glow red.

Rejected From The FAIL Blog

FAIL BLOG REJECTION #1

failbabies

Honestly, we love The FAIL Blog (just check Rick’s blogroll). However, we can’t seem to get it right. Our submissions keep getting rejected. Lucky for us, we can put them up here!