CAR RACES MAKE MY HEART RACE (an editorial piece)

Nothing’s faster than a truly fast car. No matter how you dice it, they can SPEED off and PEEL OUT way better than anything else. What would be better than watching a car drive? How about taking more than one car, and make them race the other cars? That’s the best. I won’t even mention Danica Patrick, because this is just an article, not a confessional! Here are my favorite things about car races AND my favorite kinds of car races:

I Like races where the cars look cool.

Car races with cars that look cool. Those are my favorite kinds of car races. So cool to watch.
I like races with lots of cars in them
I like races with lots of cars in them. There are so many, like, “- and they’re headed into the turn!”

I like car races that are boat races!

It’s super great when car races are BOAT RACES! It’s like, “SNEAK ATTACK!”

Cars that spruce up a textbook... by racing on a photo in it.

Textbook Racing: I Love Race Cars that are in textbooks, described in different languages.
I really wish I was older so I could have seen Old Timey Races.

I really wish I was older so I could have seen Old Timey Races.

That car race isn\'t cars at all! Those are humans, baby!

That race isn’t a car race at all! Those are humans, baby! Still good.

Cars race, and sometimes pull away.

In the end, there can be only one.

Other than those, there are like 482 things about car races that exist. Do you have any “car race” stories? Anything that gets your jock? Tell it like it is.


Randy Palmer Has A Dirty Little Secret

Call your friends, and see if they know.Have you heard? I’m not surprised! He’s been so quiet about it. Why is he such a secret-keeper?

Randy Palmer has been lying to all of us for years, and it’s time someone blew the whistle. You know what? That someone is REAL BAD FRIEND. We have the dirt on Randy Palmer, and we’re going to expose him as a complete piece.

Where do we begin, Randy Palmer? Where indeed… Oh fuck it, here’s a list of Randy’s Dirty Little Secrets that the public should know.

  1. When Randy was in the 7th grade, he used to pray every night that his mom would have a miscarriage, ultimately keeping enough money unspent that he would get an ATARI 2600.
  2. He chews Nicorette and offers it to people when they ask him for gum.
  3. Uses Craigslist to find lonely people, and then emotionally attacks them, badgering them into submission and finally murdering them, hiding their bodies in remote locales.
  4. He once fellated another man in the middle of the 1989 season.
  5. He cheated on his BAR exam. Not cool.
  6. He follows girls when they walk out of bars and knocks on their car windows after they get in and tells them to get out of the car for a sobriety exam. He just likes to tease.
  7. Randy simplifies his fractions but doesn’t show his work – we’re not sure of it, but it’s so unclear that we are relatively certain he hands in someone elses answers when we collect the homework.
  8. Supports Ron Paul.
  9. Likes having a gun rubbing against his teeth.
  10. Hand makes towels – hand towels, beach towels, cooking towels… he does it all.

Have you heard any of Randy Palmer’s dirty little secrets that we’ve forgotten? Comment.



  • All salt must be low sodium.
  • Special Olympics will be nationally televised and heavily gambled upon.
  • All women shalt be hairless.
  • “Doggystyle” is from hence forth only to be referred to as “Style”
  • Kentucky shall now be pronounced Can’t-ucky.
  • Barnes and Noble is now knighted so it shall be called SIR Barnes of Nobility… No, scratch that… this decree is stupid.
  • Captain Kangaroo is posthumously promoted to Admiral Kangaroo.
  • Grass is the new sidewalk. We will also push towards a barefoot traffic initiative.
  • Postage is raised by 4 quid.
  • Science grants for everyone.
  • Thank you cards are henceforth deemed unnecessary, because you already said thank you when you got it.
  • The official mascot of the kingdom is to be the red rocket.
  • No harumphing in public.
  • All falcons must be tiny.
  • “How I Met Your Mother” is to be tivod by the entire kingdom.
  • If you have soft skin, you must come to the palace for our annual “Touch Ball” Please contact our events coordinator, Melanie.
  • All birds must be attached to strings for the purpose of holding.
  • All moon base efforts will be re-assigned to building a cloud fortress.
  • Man is the new onion… where no one is happy until he is cooked.
  • Ham steaks shall no longer be called steaks, because they aren’t fooling anyone.
  • 10am is happy hour.
  • Any designer who wishes to design a logo for the new cloud fortress must contact our events coordinator, Melanie.
  • Nernsday is the new friday. TGIN!
  • I’m going to wear my p.j’s when I go to a local pub. You will tell me they look cool and then promptly bug off unless you are a human babe or cartoon deer.

5 Signs you Shouldn’t Hire THAT Flash/Actionscript Designer

evil flash man

This day and age, its not hard to find someone who claims to know Adobe Flash. While Flash-only sites are being more often criticized for their tendency towards animation and “flash” over accessibility and usability, the Flash medium is still very relevant if used properly. Here are 5 signs you shouldn’t hire a particular flash designer:

  1. Creepy Portfolio – His portfolio is actually a shoe box filled with hair dolls made from pre-teen hairlocks and popped balloons.
  2. Dependence on Components – While Flash comes packaged with very useful components that greatly shorten the time it takes to build certain actionscript elements, be weary of any flash programmer who depends solely on these items. A few components in sites are okay, but make sure your flash designer has also built a significant amount of dynamic elements from scratch.
  3. Proposed Mutilations – Stay away from any programmer that threatens to brutalize your husband, cut his hands off and stick bundles of twigs in his eye sockets. Though this may appear to be a sign of thoroughness, it may be an indication that this programmer is criminally insane.
  4. Resistant to Deliver you the .FLA – If you are paying for a flash site, the .FLA (the document that holds all the work by which the .swf is published) belongs to YOU. Any designer who refuses to give you the .fla to work from after building your site is probably trying to strong arm you into paying for costly updates down the line.
  5. Flaming Head – Though having a head that is always on fire may be cool to look at, it may be a sign that this person is a demon from the underworld. Be sure to meet the person face to face, and if that face is engulfed in eternal flames, just say “no thank you.” The same goes for any designer whose eyes glow red.

Normal Non-Toxic Things that are Weird to Eat


Here is a useful list we’ve compiled. We’ve brainstormed some “things” that are non-toxic, but would probably be weird to be caught eating in public. Hopefully this list will assist you in your everyday life. If you are eating any of these things, we would suggest you respectfully do so in private.

  • a tomato as though it were an apple.
  • a cat
  • a friend
  • a neighbor
  • an uncooked egg
  • a stick
  • a pine cone
  • a popsicle stick
  • straws
  • Bubble Tape
  • crayons
  • ideas
  • rides
  • Beach Boys
  • devils
  • sounds
  • fatigue
  • teachers
  • divorces
  • keywords
  • A bag of used teeth.
  • dust
  • Maury Povich’s sense of morality
  • John Entwistle’s wardrobe
  • new men
  • the history of Santorini
  • lice
  • postcards of A seagull at the beach
  • a celery stalk without using your teeth.
  • The Enola Gay
  • tub bubbles
  • scrot (jive for “scrotum”)
  • ambition
  • crow
  • literacy
  • illiteracy
  • Beck’s Jams
  • post-its

Anything we missed? Let us know.

Conversation taking forever? Try out our…

Fast Ways to End a Conversation
    • Make a Barack Obama / Heath Ledger Necro-Porn reference.
    • Pass on.
    • Show off your “Vote for Ron Paul” fanny pack.
    • Run out of singles.
    • Present yourself in a submissive yet clenched fashion. No one wants that.
    • Ignite the cross.
    • A firm low-five, right on their thigh.
    • Pull out your fairy dust and proclaim, “Let’s settle this like Nymphs!”
    • Mention the deadly minivan crash.
    • “Grow Up!”
    • Try to pry off his wedding ring.
    • A firm handshake and a solemn promise to never let this happen again.
    • The Electric Slide.

        Reasons I Don’t Take My Baby Out in Public…