• All salt must be low sodium.
  • Special Olympics will be nationally televised and heavily gambled upon.
  • All women shalt be hairless.
  • “Doggystyle” is from hence forth only to be referred to as “Style”
  • Kentucky shall now be pronounced Can’t-ucky.
  • Barnes and Noble is now knighted so it shall be called SIR Barnes of Nobility… No, scratch that… this decree is stupid.
  • Captain Kangaroo is posthumously promoted to Admiral Kangaroo.
  • Grass is the new sidewalk. We will also push towards a barefoot traffic initiative.
  • Postage is raised by 4 quid.
  • Science grants for everyone.
  • Thank you cards are henceforth deemed unnecessary, because you already said thank you when you got it.
  • The official mascot of the kingdom is to be the red rocket.
  • No harumphing in public.
  • All falcons must be tiny.
  • “How I Met Your Mother” is to be tivod by the entire kingdom.
  • If you have soft skin, you must come to the palace for our annual “Touch Ball” Please contact our events coordinator, Melanie.
  • All birds must be attached to strings for the purpose of holding.
  • All moon base efforts will be re-assigned to building a cloud fortress.
  • Man is the new onion… where no one is happy until he is cooked.
  • Ham steaks shall no longer be called steaks, because they aren’t fooling anyone.
  • 10am is happy hour.
  • Any designer who wishes to design a logo for the new cloud fortress must contact our events coordinator, Melanie.
  • Nernsday is the new friday. TGIN!
  • I’m going to wear my p.j’s when I go to a local pub. You will tell me they look cool and then promptly bug off unless you are a human babe or cartoon deer.

It’s our 42nd Birthday!!!


– My kids are being raised by the internet.

– I’m still getting full-blown erections when my new girlfriend’s daughter’s thong hangs out when she’s using her laptop in the kitchen to go on myspace.

– My Parents barely recognize me anymore (they are riddled with alzheimers), so I don’t have to buy them Christmas presents!

– My far-side tie is hilarious.

– There are un-ironic prostate exams.

– I’m rubbing elbows with Evander Holyfield (Charles Barkley) as he is an investment partner in a recent commercial real estate venture.

– The shows I was into in my prime are retro and hip again. Magnum P.I. rules!

– Coffee stained teeth make my jaundiced eyes look white!

-The Divorce Roller Coaster is in full throttle.

– I have amassed a GIANT spank-bank over the years.

– I’ve Finally made it past the point of caring, and tucked my dreams and aspirations into a coffin with my hope.

– If I am a woman, that makes me a cougar, and I get to be banged out by young men looking for physical intimacy without any messy emotional attachments.

– A years supply of free Bud Light!

– I didn’t die of aids in the 80s or 90s.

– I can still beat the shit out my shitty UFC wanna-be-nephew with a traditional headlock and elbow strikes.

– If I am a woman, maybe I went through menopause, which means dudes can make spooge deposits with no baby residuals

– I still can throw the knuckleball.

– The Voices have stopped!

– My third hair replacement surgery looks fucking fantastic.

What about you? Why are excited for the lush pastures of 42?

Feeling hollow inside? Yeah me too… Let’s make a list.

Things That Are Really Disheartening To Me
  • I couldn’t save her.
  • No store will allow me to redeem my coupon for one free hug.
  • When my weaker kids get taken away in the talons of tiny falcons
  • The fact that you can’t stay pretty.
  • Maury Povich’s exceedingly monogamous relationship with Connie Chung.
  • Stubs where things used to be.
  • Watching my son play videogames, knowing that he’s failing because of the short, short unreliable thumbs he inherited from me.
  • When parents are framed
  • Watching my legs shrink.
  • $.39 hamburger days at McDonalds are only a memory now.
  • When it seems like nobody, including myself know what jungle beards are
  • That the sun only has 1 billion years left
  • The strength of a mother still not being enough to lift the car.
  • I shot a kid
  • Dissecting living things at gunpoint
  • Colonial influence on the otherwise beautiful Phillipino architecture.
  • Falling from high places into crowded streets
  • Invisible enemies
  • Tasers are played out.

    P.S. – What bums you out? C’mawn, drop knowledge in our comments.

      A Special Report on the Prom

      We sent our special correspondents, Dumpster Baby and Homeless Guy, to the prom.


      Here’s what they had to say:

      DB: It reminded me of my prom, actually my birthday.
      HG: Yeah, wasn’t that when your mom had you in the bathroom during the penultimate slow dance and threw you in the dumpster?
      DB: That’s right. She made it back to the dance just in time for the Dave Matthews song “Crash”.
      HG: That’s so romantic.
      DB: Anyway, back to this prom. The food was okay. Ms. Jenkins wasn’t too much of a cunt and turned her back when Dan slipped a finger into Sally’s snatch.
      HG: Wasn’t she Chad Snow’s date?
      DB: Sure was. Sure was.
      HG: What a real bad friend.
      DB: You said it, man.

      Normal Non-Toxic Things that are Weird to Eat


      Here is a useful list we’ve compiled. We’ve brainstormed some “things” that are non-toxic, but would probably be weird to be caught eating in public. Hopefully this list will assist you in your everyday life. If you are eating any of these things, we would suggest you respectfully do so in private.

      • a tomato as though it were an apple.
      • a cat
      • a friend
      • a neighbor
      • an uncooked egg
      • a stick
      • a pine cone
      • a popsicle stick
      • straws
      • Bubble Tape
      • crayons
      • ideas
      • rides
      • Beach Boys
      • devils
      • sounds
      • fatigue
      • teachers
      • divorces
      • keywords
      • A bag of used teeth.
      • dust
      • Maury Povich’s sense of morality
      • John Entwistle’s wardrobe
      • new men
      • the history of Santorini
      • lice
      • postcards of A seagull at the beach
      • a celery stalk without using your teeth.
      • The Enola Gay
      • tub bubbles
      • scrot (jive for “scrotum”)
      • ambition
      • crow
      • literacy
      • illiteracy
      • Beck’s Jams
      • post-its

      Anything we missed? Let us know.

      Lost Quotes #2


      Lost Quotes #1