I HAVE A NEW THING!!!

How is this not making you rock hard right now?

chix diggit!

chix diggit!

I found something that makes me ultimately more loveable, and ultimately more terrifying. It’s like a closed fist that means love. A hug that chokes you out… An abortion that is also sexy… A dry palm on a wet forehead, making you question, “should I tap, or should I writhe?”

Yes, this is it, folks.

Do you have a new thing?

Montauk Monsters = Scary / Hot (a comic con tale)

So there I was at the 2008 Heroes Comic Con Panel in San Diego, running off stage after giving away a few HEROES dvds and explaining away the fact that Jeph Loeb wasn’t on stage yet.  Needless to say, the fans were in an uproar of glee and excitement when he arrived onstage, and even more excitement when the cast walked on… But I was in shambles folks.  Ol’ Jim Martin was in shambles.  I even screamed out loud!

BECAUSE OF THE MONTAUK MONSTER WHO SCARED THE BEJEEZUS OUT OF ME !!!  Right after I ran off, the half dead dog/rodent/turtle thing was all up at the bottom of the stage.  It totally was like “BOO!”

I got over it though – and then it hit me… I called up my boy DJ Doyle, who was in SD working comic-con  with me… and needless to say… DJ has his own little story about this guy and what happened in San Diego.

That’s it for me, (I’m Jim)… Hey DJ, why don’t you tell us what happened at the hotel…

What happens at Comic-Con…

Gets spread around the office the following week. Yup. I’ll own up to it. While Jim was running scared from the Dog-Turtle Monster, I was embracing their awkward be-flippered lovin’. Seems that these two young betties headed down to Comic-Con with little more than the wind at their backs and a song in their piggish hearts.

So you KNOW I swooped in for the kill with my mad skillz. I learned real quick that Durtle Monsters will do just about anything for a warm berth at night…  (The term berth is used to describe a bed on a boat or train… Jim didn’t know this – he’s an idiot.)

And by anything, I’m saying I shagged them.

Hugs and Kisses,

DJ

A little piece of advice.

Don’t shave with a razor you’ve had for 3 or 4 weeks and you’ve been using every day for those 3 or 4 weeks. Also you don’t ever wash it off.

Are you feeling sad?  Like a bagel sans shmear?   Like an elephant who forgot?  Like the tallest midget around?  Well here’s a tip from your good buddy who knows a thing or two about being blue, me in the mirror.

Mirror Jim Says:

Special thanks to Zach Craley for letting me know that life is worth living.  And providing me with a slab of butter the size of a baby’s fist.

How do you guys make it through and not blow your heads off in a desperate suicide attempt inspired by mornings of trite and played out breakfast sustinence?

Things I need to work on.

I’m a real bad friend (fuck you), an awful husband (as a matter of fact, some people claim that I’m not a husband at all… I bet my wife wishes that was true) and a terrible father (I don’t know / care where my kids are/aren’t) but most importantly I’m just… well, I struggle to do things in a way that people like or appreciate.

I fall down a lot.  I drink standing water.  I present documents without proper headers. My ankles tend to itch and when I scratch them, I tear skin… I’m just not very good at many things.  So, because it’s July I decided to make a list of things I need to work on. And, frankly, I don’t think the list is so great either.

You want a piece? I'm up in it, sandbagger!

You want a piece? I'm up in it, sandbagger!

  • My Fantasy Life – I’ve been fantasizing far too much about food and sleep and not nearly enough about that busty and lusty half and halfer down at the pitch & putt. What am I thinking?
I hate this car, because it isn't done yet.

I hate this car, because it isn't done yet.

  • That hot rod in the shed – It’s not going to fix itself, and let’s face it, that busty and lusty half and halfer down at the pitch & putt doesn’t blow a grease monkey who doesn’t have a slick hot rod set of wheels. (it’s a ’55!)
Home Improvement Dude

Home Improvement Dude

  • My Tim Allen – I do a fair to moderate impression of the man, but gosh darnit, that’s not enough. “More Power!” also, I need more copies of “BIG TROUBLE” to give to my loved one(s) this weekend.
What a bad o-line, though.

What a bad o-line, though.

  • My rushing YPG – I’ve been drafting well for years now, but it never seems to pay off, I’ve yet to get that Edgerrin James begets Joseph Addai type yardage year in and year out… And with A.K. Dumont out all season, I’m up shits creek. (I own and operate a small time semi-pro Football team called “The Santa Monica Breeze” we’ve been middling around 8-8 for the past few seasons, but this could be our break out year… If I work on it.)
I hate gifts that suck. Just give me the fucking cake.

I hate gifts that suck. Just give me the fucking cake.

  • My appreciation of gifts I receive – I wasn’t trying to be a bastard, but I thought it was abundantly clear that a bundt cake pan was a REALLY SHITTY GIFT for someone’s “draft dodging day” festivities. At least get me a fucking bundt cake… why the fuck would I want a pan?  Do I want to make one myself?  God… oh.. shit… see? There I go again – I really have to work on that.

Oh, and there’s more stuff too.  My innate fear of commitment, my insane loathing for mushrooms that look like flowers, ownership of post 1987 Merle Haggard records, Blue tooth compatibility…

Oh well.  I guess I’m a lot like that ol’ hot-rod.  A work in progress.  What about you, folks?  Do you have anything you need to work on?

Wait… Chocolate Iced Cream!? Really?

i didn\'t know!

Why didn’t anyone tell me?  Did you think I already knew?  How could I have missed this? I mean – it’s like two different worlds, comingling in one heartfelt bowl or box.

Crunch style

I knew about chocolate, I mean – who doesn’t? For my seventh birthday I had a big ol’ Crunch bar… Years later I would have some chocolate cake, chocolate flavored brownies, and hell, Dunkaroos are basically cookies and chocolate frosting. But let’s face facts, america – Iced Cream takes the Cake. (Yes indeed, that’s a fun sentence to say)

And it\'s good, baby.

Then chocolate merged with the cold queen of the dairy scene, Iced Cream, do ya know what I mean? That was another fun sentence for you to wrap your mouths around while you say it.

ever have a bowl of ice cream?

And today was the first day I discovered the world of chocolate iced cream for my very own.  It was different than you’d expect – because I was just finishing a burrito, and somehow still hungry.  Then I decided to try chocolate ice cream. I know, right?

Now I don’t think things will ever be the same. What do you think?

Boston Celtics have Sex with The Lakers’ Mom

Good news, anyone! After a dismal and slightly “dry rough anal sex”ish first half of professional NBA basketball on Thursday, June 12th, in game 4 of the NBA Finals, the Celtics prevailed over the Kobe Bryant and the lauded “Los Angeles” Lakers in a very “lubed up full penetraish”esque second half! Want to see something obnoxious?

KG, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen filled all of Kobe\'s mom\'s holes!

Now, I don’t want you to think that I’m a giant black man or anything… actually, fuck it – yeah, I want you to think that. But, I wasn’t a huge NBA fan for the past 10 years or so (the last Celtics team I watched on a consistant basis featured Sherman Douglas!) because the scoring just got so ridiculous – EVERY TEAM was scoring ALL THE TIME… Not any more… Not with THE BOSTON THREE PARTY hanging out.

Don’t get me wrong, it was all about Mr. House and Mr. Posey last night. It’s true. But it was Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett that had A FOURSOME WITH KOBE BRYANT’S MOM!!! They filled all her holes. And they forced Pau Gasol (he’s ugly) and Lamarr Odom (I don’t like his haircut) to watch! It was a sweet comeback. Yes, there was come all over EVERYONE’S back.

Do you prefer one team to the other? Do you live in LA and enjoy seeing the shame and disappointment in the eyes of actors? Do you live in Boston and listen to tons of drunk studs yelling?

The Happening – An M. Night Shyamalan Joint

First off: It’s Plants. Plants fight back. That’s what the happening is. It’s retarded.
a hibiscus

Now that the big spoiler is out of the way… Here’s a little run down:

In this new feature film by writer-director M. Night Shyamalan, there’s something that “Happens” and it really fucks with people. It’s a devastating event that changes the way we all think about life. The people we focus on are Mark Wahlberg a teacher in high school (cast perfectly?), Ashlyn Sanchez is a dumb kid (in the movie) and Zooey Deschanel is cute but not hot arm-candy. Leguizamo is a teacher too. But there are some questions that even teachers can’t solve… Mysteries that shake us to the core..

kids are jerks

I mean, seriously – what could cause such devastation as you’ve seen on THE HAPPENING’S poster? What could cause Mark “Donny” Wahlberg to gasp and stare so hard? Why would Zooey “Emily” Deschanel hang out with Wahlberg? And who the fuck is John Leguizamo?
There's something he sees that you don't, Leguizamo.

Shyamalan finds the most original, innovative and inexplicably brilliant way to preach at us… He uses plants. Plants are sick and tired of the way humans have been treating them… so they release some Neurotoxin into the air and fight back.

More awesome screengrabs and ranting if you click “more”… Continue reading