It’s our 42nd Birthday!!!


– My kids are being raised by the internet.

– I’m still getting full-blown erections when my new girlfriend’s daughter’s thong hangs out when she’s using her laptop in the kitchen to go on myspace.

– My Parents barely recognize me anymore (they are riddled with alzheimers), so I don’t have to buy them Christmas presents!

– My far-side tie is hilarious.

– There are un-ironic prostate exams.

– I’m rubbing elbows with Evander Holyfield (Charles Barkley) as he is an investment partner in a recent commercial real estate venture.

– The shows I was into in my prime are retro and hip again. Magnum P.I. rules!

– Coffee stained teeth make my jaundiced eyes look white!

-The Divorce Roller Coaster is in full throttle.

– I have amassed a GIANT spank-bank over the years.

– I’ve Finally made it past the point of caring, and tucked my dreams and aspirations into a coffin with my hope.

– If I am a woman, that makes me a cougar, and I get to be banged out by young men looking for physical intimacy without any messy emotional attachments.

– A years supply of free Bud Light!

– I didn’t die of aids in the 80s or 90s.

– I can still beat the shit out my shitty UFC wanna-be-nephew with a traditional headlock and elbow strikes.

– If I am a woman, maybe I went through menopause, which means dudes can make spooge deposits with no baby residuals

– I still can throw the knuckleball.

– The Voices have stopped!

– My third hair replacement surgery looks fucking fantastic.

What about you? Why are excited for the lush pastures of 42?