BY DECREE OF THE KING…

Kneel!

  • All salt must be low sodium.
  • Special Olympics will be nationally televised and heavily gambled upon.
  • All women shalt be hairless.
  • “Doggystyle” is from hence forth only to be referred to as “Style”
  • Kentucky shall now be pronounced Can’t-ucky.
  • Barnes and Noble is now knighted so it shall be called SIR Barnes of Nobility… No, scratch that… this decree is stupid.
  • Captain Kangaroo is posthumously promoted to Admiral Kangaroo.
  • Grass is the new sidewalk. We will also push towards a barefoot traffic initiative.
  • Postage is raised by 4 quid.
  • Science grants for everyone.
  • Thank you cards are henceforth deemed unnecessary, because you already said thank you when you got it.
  • The official mascot of the kingdom is to be the red rocket.
  • No harumphing in public.
  • All falcons must be tiny.
  • “How I Met Your Mother” is to be tivod by the entire kingdom.
  • If you have soft skin, you must come to the palace for our annual “Touch Ball” Please contact our events coordinator, Melanie.
  • All birds must be attached to strings for the purpose of holding.
  • All moon base efforts will be re-assigned to building a cloud fortress.
  • Man is the new onion… where no one is happy until he is cooked.
  • Ham steaks shall no longer be called steaks, because they aren’t fooling anyone.
  • 10am is happy hour.
  • Any designer who wishes to design a logo for the new cloud fortress must contact our events coordinator, Melanie.
  • Nernsday is the new friday. TGIN!
  • I’m going to wear my p.j’s when I go to a local pub. You will tell me they look cool and then promptly bug off unless you are a human babe or cartoon deer.
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Kid Zone!

Hey Moms and Dads,
Looking for a totally awesome place to unload your little ones this summer? Try KIDZONE, where Kids rule! Kidzone is an exclusive “camp” that lets your kid do what he’s always dreamed of: KICK-SOME-BUTT!!!!

kidzone.jpg
No training required! You pay for the ticket, we’ll take care of all the cool stuff! We’ll put your special little guy right on the front lines* of some of the hottest third-world battlefields out there. We’ve got Kidzones in Afghanistan, Sierra Leone, AND NOW Burma (JUST LIKE RAMBO!!!)
Kidzone!!

Here are some of the things you’re kid will do/learn at Kidzone!

  • Kill or Be Killed!
  • Obey
  • Execute (pun intended!)
  • Battlefield amputations
  • Enjoy the spoils of war
  • Use Classic American Weapons!
  • Torture
  • Evade Tiny Falcons
  • Learn to Shut Up
  • Hate!

*Disclaimer – child may or may not live.

BREAKING!! Father and Son Victims in Air Show Disaster

Ron Colby (47) and son Winky Colby (11) were the victims of a self-caused mishap at the Spring ’08 Military Airshow in Millville N.J. They accidentally picked the WORST time to get Gyros and missed the COOLEST part of the show.

at the gyro stand

Around 1:12pm Winky told his father that he wanted to get something to eat. Ron, despite a gut-feeling that this was NOT the time to leave their seats, foolishly pandered to his son’s desire. While ordering Gyros, a jet-car (a car with a jet engine) raced a plane and won! It was the “did you see that!?” moment of the entire show.

jet car

Once they got back to their seats, Ron’s current wife and Winky’s current step-mom, Rita, didn’t even know how to break the news. But she did and Ron laughed and said “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me?” Winky thought it was funny that his dad said “fuck.”

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My Dad Destroys Your Dad!

Seriously! My Dad has like 3000 reasons why. I will give you a few, right off the bat – let’s go:

THIS IS MY DAD!

1.) My dad always wears a tank top with spaghetti straps (he has tattoos, too.)

2.) My dad fucks my mom (and I think she blows him too.)

3.) My dad can lift a 45 lb barbell out at his side and hold it FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES!

4.) Sometimes my dad is four guys standing next to each other.

5.) My dad is multicultural and original.

6.) No matter how cool your dad is, mine is Bruce Springsteen.

7.) My dad is a duality of humanity – good AND evil.

8.) My dad ate a steak that was being saved for the Minnesota Vikings’ O-Line.

See what I mean? My dad OWNS! Go ahead, take a shot – tell me one good reason why your Dad would even live around my dad.

OH!

9.) My dad is still alive.

Okay, now tell me a reason.

Feeling hollow inside? Yeah me too… Let’s make a list.

Things That Are Really Disheartening To Me
  • I couldn’t save her.
  • No store will allow me to redeem my coupon for one free hug.
  • When my weaker kids get taken away in the talons of tiny falcons
  • The fact that you can’t stay pretty.
  • Maury Povich’s exceedingly monogamous relationship with Connie Chung.
  • Stubs where things used to be.
  • Watching my son play videogames, knowing that he’s failing because of the short, short unreliable thumbs he inherited from me.
  • When parents are framed
  • Watching my legs shrink.
  • $.39 hamburger days at McDonalds are only a memory now.
  • When it seems like nobody, including myself know what jungle beards are
  • That the sun only has 1 billion years left
  • The strength of a mother still not being enough to lift the car.
  • I shot a kid
  • Dissecting living things at gunpoint
  • Colonial influence on the otherwise beautiful Phillipino architecture.
  • Falling from high places into crowded streets
  • Invisible enemies
  • Tasers are played out.

    P.S. – What bums you out? C’mawn, drop knowledge in our comments.